| An arachnophobic...one who believes that his/her world | | | | an intruder!When she flew into the bathroom she |
| would do very nicely sans spiders. That's me.I admit I | | | | found me wrapped in a towel, tears streaming from |
| have no official diagnosis. It's not as though I went to | | | | my face, blubbering and shaking and doing the willie |
| the doctor one day with strange spider-fearing | | | | dance."WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT?!" she yelled.My |
| symptoms and she said, "I'm sorry, Amy, but you have | | | | answer? A point to the shower stall, water still running. |
| arachnophobia." And yet there is no doubt in my mind | | | | "A SPIIIIIIIIDER!" I wailed.When I moved out two years |
| that I fear spiders.Phobias are like that. I understand, | | | | later to attend college 90 miles away, I can't say she |
| intellectually, that in the vast untamed wilds of Albany, | | | | cried a whole lot.I always wanted to assuage my |
| New York, I will likely never encounter any spider that | | | | phobia, really I did. I'd heard somewhere that immersion |
| could actually harm me. But phobia-fear is not about | | | | is useful. You know, if you're afraid of the water, jump |
| logic or rationale. It's about freaking out.I know, I | | | | right in - that kind of thing. But the idea of deliberately |
| know...spiders are wonderful critters that eat yucky | | | | placing a spider on my person was out of the question. |
| flies; spin lovely, mysterious webs and save poor, | | | | I worked for a pet store during summer break in |
| doomed piglets named Wilbur from untimely demises. | | | | college and thought perhaps I'd TOUCH their resident |
| But put one on my arm and I'll morph instantaneously | | | | tarantula. Nope. No go. And yet I'd literally wear a baby |
| into a whirling dervish and blow out your eardrums with | | | | ball python snake around my neck all day as though it |
| bizarre, multi-pitched half-screams reserved for just | | | | were a necklace. No problemo. Gathering crickets |
| such an emergency. Then, after the spider has been | | | | from their tank to feed customers' reptiles wasn't easy |
| flung from my arm, we're talking 30 minutes of | | | | (they're pretty creepy-crawly too), but that's another |
| recovery time that involves checking the rest of my | | | | story.I even had a car that seemed to present itself |
| body thoroughly for any other possible hidden spider, | | | | happily as a haven for wanton spiders. Constantly I'd |
| shaking myself like a dog to dislodge said hidden spider, | | | | find them setting up residence on the inside of the |
| and scanning the immediate area in an intense | | | | windshield. I had two or three near-death experiences |
| paranoia that slowly wanes along with my elevated | | | | while driving, trapped in the car with the object of my |
| heart rate and blood pressure.I spent much of my | | | | greatest fear. I seriously considered abandoning the |
| childhood and adolescence in the tireless pursuit and | | | | car altogether one day when a spider crawled out of |
| destruction of spiders. I have no traumatic | | | | sight behind the dashboard. With all the sense of |
| spider-centric event on which to blame my phobia; it | | | | humor I could muster, I named this car Charlotte. Last |
| was simply always present. The very idea of the | | | | year, I gave Charlotte away for a song and moved on |
| spider...so many different shapes, sizes, behaviors! | | | | to a (knock on wood) spider free vehicle I quickly |
| Teeny brownish ones that crouch suspiciously in | | | | named Samantha.I did manage to get to the point |
| corners. Delicate gray ones that crawl with illicit | | | | where I could gather up half a roll or so of carefully |
| purpose up walls. And worst of all - squat, black ones | | | | wadded toilet paper, reaching my arm out as far as |
| that jump without warning!I didn't mind them so much if | | | | possible to mush the spider into the tissue and drop it |
| they were outside and not too close - but a spider in | | | | lightning-fast into the toilet, flushing it to a watery grave. |
| the house was entirely unacceptable. There was no | | | | This technique got me through most of college without |
| stay of execution for these hapless arachnids.Ah, but | | | | serious incident, though I still yearned for a partner in |
| the means of execution was a problem worthy of the | | | | crime whom I could pay a buck or two to 'rub off' the |
| great thinkers of our time. Once I spotted a spider, I of | | | | offending spider.Then came my after-college |
| course could not APPROACH it (unless, by some | | | | roommate and best friend, Gina.Gina, Buddhist, friend of |
| blessed miracle, I found one on the floor and had great | | | | all creatures...including spiders. This, of course, |
| big boots on, in which case I would stomp on it heartily). | | | | presented a problem. I would scream spider and she |
| Close proximity was dangerous and foolhardy.Through | | | | would come running, but she would not kill."I'll catch it |
| necessity I became a brilliant strategist. Usually the | | | | and put it outside," she offered.Okay, fine. But often the |
| spider would be planning its evil in an upper corner of | | | | quick little bugger would jump off the paper trap she'd |
| the room - too high up to reach, even if I wanted to. | | | | fashioned and escape. And though I would retreat to a |
| Knock it down with a broom? No, that presented the | | | | far room during this operation, she'd come in sheepishly |
| possibility of its escape - or worse, falling on me. I | | | | and admit that the eviction was unsuccessful. Thus the |
| would ball myself up on the end of the bed, staring it | | | | liar clause was born."If you lose the spider, you have to |
| down, thinking...planning.Finally a breakthrough. | | | | tell me you got it outside," I said demandingly, "and you |
| HAIRSPRAY! Being an adolescent of the 80s, I of | | | | have to sound convincing."To this day I have no idea |
| course had plenty. And my technique seemed | | | | how many of those spiders were actually evacuated |
| foolproof. Spray the spider from a safe distance and | | | | from our apartment. I only know that my blessed mind |
| quickly retreat even farther away. The hairspray | | | | was kind enough to believe the lies that I myself had |
| would paralyze the spider, making it fall and giving no | | | | created.My sweet cat Sugar is nestled in my lap as I |
| chance of escape. And oh, it worked, all right. With | | | | type this. Are there those who fear cats as I fear |
| great streaming streaks of hairspray marking the walls | | | | spiders? Is someone typing an article entitled |
| and ceiling. Once I used a lighter with the hairspray and | | | | "Crouching cats, hidden litter box" as they stroke their |
| actually torched a spider into oblivion.Needless to say, | | | | pet spider? I shudder to think of it.Now I am married |
| my immaculate mother was NOT a happy | | | | and living in our first house. My husband, just my luck, is |
| woman.Speaking of my mother: Why didn't I simply yell | | | | another spider-lover. (Why all these defenders of |
| for mom or dad to come and do the dirty deed? I tried, | | | | spiders?) So far I've killed just two spiders here - not |
| but to no avail. My mother had no patience for my | | | | bad considering the house is 50 years old and comes |
| phobia."Spiders aren't hurting anyone," she'd say with | | | | complete with a basement, the traditional habitat for |
| logic and certainty. "Just leave them alone and they'll | | | | spiders of all shapes and sizes.But I still have my |
| leave you alone."Yes, alone. No big brother or sister (or | | | | moments. While setting up the finished portion of our |
| little one either, for that matter) to help. A father who | | | | basement for a surprise party, I saw the shadow of a |
| may have helped but was in his own apartment since | | | | spider in the corner. It was HUGE...but then, maybe the |
| the divorce. A battle fought solo.One day when I was | | | | light was just making it LOOK huge. Gosh, where |
| 16, my worst fears came to fruition. I was in the | | | | WAS it? I turned different lights off and on to try to |
| shower with my head tipped back into the water to | | | | determine which one caused the shadow. I cautiously |
| wash my hair. I opened my eyes for a moment and | | | | peered around corners and behind fixtures, but to no |
| what I saw nearly made me lose the contents of my | | | | avail. The shadow didn't move at all and would not go |
| bladder. There was a spider traveling slowly but | | | | away. Finally, I took down a container of plastic cups |
| directly down on its little invisible Batman-wire RIGHT | | | | from the shelf - and lo and behold, the shadow |
| ABOVE MY HEAD.My mother took the stairs three at | | | | disappeared. I put the cups back on the counter. The |
| a time when she heard the screams. Amy has fallen, | | | | shadow came back. |
| she's broken bones, bleeding on the floor, stabbed by | | | | |